You've probably seen an unlikely pair of people holding hands out in public and thought "if they're together why am I alone?" Or maybe you've fallen for the absurd explanation, "You can't love somebody until you love yourself." Believe me, there are plenty, if not a majority, of relationships where the partners hate themselves. Self-hate is the foundation for every toxic relationship.
If you're chronically single, more than likely you have a higher purpose in life you've not yet become aware of because of toxic blockages.
Our patriarchal social matrix has created the illusion that the only path to happiness in life is when men marry women, have children, then die. The result is toxic pressure from family to get married, or from friends to be in a couple, just for easier socializing. The toxic patriarchy also tells a woman they need a man to define who they are and bring their life meaning, and we know that's not true. We also know men don't only love women and vice versa. Believing one must fulfill an inauthentic standard causes trauma.
Getting married and having children can bring meaning and purpose to your life and still not be your life's purpose.
Are You Loveable?
Being in an intimate relationship becomes the only external proof for the world to see that you're lovable, because someone else 'loves' you, which causes many to cling onto toxic situations for an attachment to define their lovability. But inside, do you feel lovable? Likely not. We've seen a million times with internet connections where the two haven't even met, let alone seen each other and define them as a boyfriend or girlfriend. This isn't a relationship, but an attachment fueled by the desperation for external validation because they're void of an internal system to validate themselves.
Reasons for Singlehood
And of the many possibilities for your particular singlehood, more than one may be at play. There's fear. Your standards are too high. You're set in your ways. You attract the wrong kind of person. Not attracted to anyone. Don't really want a relationship. But the common thread to all that's been mentioned -if you're ready to accept it- is that they're all trauma responses to unresolved childhood and/or ancestral traumas.
There's nothing wrong with you, but something wrong might've happened to you.
- Any kind of neglect or abuse can create perfectionism in an attempt to gain a feeling of control you never had as a child. While you may want the things you do to be perfect, there's also a subconscious contract that people, including yourself, need to be perfect to be lovable, yet no human is perfect. You'll never find a partner.
- You may have never been able to express your feelings as a child, or ask for what you need, and that learned emotional unavailability spills over into your relationships. It may be enough for superficial connections, but seriously detrimental to intimate ones.
- If you're consistently drawn to an emotionally or physically abusive person it's because either that feels familiar from childhood, or you don't feel worthy enough for anyone better. An inner lack of worthiness is behind many of the reasons people find themselves single.
- It's also possible you may not be ready for, or understand how, relationships actually work. Experiencing childhood emotional abuse causes arrested development of our emotional system. You've heard people described as 'emotionally immature.' That's trauma.
- If you don't enjoy being single and find yourself jumping from unhealthy relationship to relationship, that's unresolved trauma. A more provocative question to ask yourself to bring upon self-awareness is, "If you don't enjoy spending time alone with yourself, why would someone else?" Misery doesn't leave your life simply because someone else is in the room. Being in a relationship doesn't guarantee happiness, just like being single doesn't have to mean unhappy. You need to be happy alone to be part of a healthy relationship.
But not to worry. You're not broken, but simply disconnected, and only need reconnection. To self-love, that is. And none of your survival personality behavior is your fault, so treat yourself kindly. Being single presents the opportunity to take healing actions, as growth is a much more difficult process if you have a partner who doesn't like the way you're growing. Learning to love yourself again is all that's required to create that internal validation, and shut down your desperate need for it externally. Unfortunately, I'm not aware of a quick process, but perhaps one exists.
My Experience
I experienced an emotionally neglectful childhood, where the emotional abuse continued into my 50's until I came to realize how toxic my family members were from our ancestral trauma of narcissism, and gained the strength to create boundaries that removed them from my life. How did I gain the strength and self-confidence to restore the lost agency in my family dynamic? I learned a lot when training to be a spiritual coach, and purposefully followed steps that were divinely shown to me. I compiled the whole process in an award-winning book titled Your Trauma Healing Journey: Lifeprint Reiki's Guide to Reconnecting to Self-Love.
The Single's Destiny
It may not be your life purpose to be in a relationship at this moment. Monks and priests are alone and celibate, but they continually work to develop their divine relationship. As mentioned, being single might actually be your soul purpose in this lifetime to focus on you and your divine connection, clear some karma and negative thought patterns to discover who you really are in humanity outside the social matrix. That's what Your Trauma Healing Journey is all about. No, you don't have to be celibate and live in silence, but inner-focused work and connecting with likeminded people may be your destiny. When you can heal through a self-love journey to appreciate the power you regain from that new depth of self-acceptance, you can fearlessly create the life of your dreams.
When you love yourself again, spending time alone becomes welcomed solitude with the opportunity to listen and get to know your body, your intuition, your spirit guides, ancestors, and the Universe, in ways previously unattainable. Time alone can also be used towards pursuing your passions, whatever that might be. When you gain gratitude for time alone as solitude, and increase self-awareness and self-acceptance, you're well on the healing journey.
Healing Methods
Being of Service
One way to begin loving yourself again is by putting selfless efforts towards helping those less fortunate. Not donating money, but physically helping in any number of ways. Service can begin to not only heal your heart, but also create a balance you didn't realize was missing. The need to serve our tribe is in our DNA, and if not fulfilled, can put us off kilter. Becoming a regular volunteer at any number of possibilities from working with seniors to children, at schools, nursing home, especially at a cause you're passionate about, will enhance your daily life.
Affirmations
Another of the easiest ways to reconnect to self-love is with affirmations. Start with: "I AM ENOUGH," and "I AM WORTHY." Write them on post it notes and put them in the bathroom, in your car, at your office, in the kitchen, and next to your bed to constantly remind yourself you matter. It's important to not merely read them but speak them out loud to make the Universe here your declaration of independence. I've seen people's lives begin to shift in just a week.
Some other affirmations to try:
- I FEEL HAPPY
- I FEEL BEAUTIFUL
- I ATTRACT OPPORTUNITY
- I FEEL I AM ENOUGH
- I FEEL LIKE THE LUCKIEST PERSON ALIVE
- I FEEL INVINCIBLE
Get a Dog
A loving human relationship with a pet is considered a loving relationship in the spirit world, and that's all that matters. While not seen as a real relationship within the matrix, single dog owners all know when you're with your dog, you never feel alone and you'd rather spend time with them then without. I'm sure the same is true for cat, bird and reptile owners.
The Universe sends us loving companions to be our soulmates and teachers. If you don't already have one, you'll learn so much about yourself by getting a dog.
Journal Prompts
If you don't already journal, this is another useful tool towards healing. Especially if you're one of those people who ruminates or has repetitive negative thoughts, writing them down can often move them through your psyche. Making this a daily practice of writing just 3-5 pages with pen in hand is also transformational. Some useful journal prompts to start processing emotions:
- What being alone reminds you of being a child.
- Why I need someone in my life to prove to the world I'm lovable.
- The wonderful things I can do while single, that I couldn't do as a couple or with a family.
- List the people making you feel pressured to be in a relationship and how that makes you feel.
A Path Forward
Since you haven't run away before the end of this article, you absolutely possess the inner drive required to successfully reconnect to self-love and deepen your personal Divine connection. Your self-love journey can look absolutely nothing like mine, but it may be worth a look to see how it differs. My book Your Trauma Healing Journey: Lifeprint Reiki's Guide to Reconnecting to Self-Love, can certainly enlighten you to aspects of self-love you never even considered to address.
This winner of the 2026 International Impact Book Award, offers insights, exercises and activities to help you gain self-awareness as the first step to becoming a stronger person with more self-confidence. It shows you how to reframe a painful past as soul lessons for growth. You can't change the past, but you can change how you feel about it. You'll learn how your need to control things that are uncontrollable are adversely affecting your life and how to surrender. And you'll learn how to release a lifetime of guilt and shame to move forward self-empowered.
The 11 Insights to Happiness will shift your reality, and the sections on Reiki will teach you how to be your own healer to process all the growth on this journey.
Human connection is important in this life and why we offer an opportunity to connect with other singles and like-mind journeymen on the Facebook group: Self-Love Journey Support. You can join us below: