How to Embrace Being Single Without Feeling Lonely

You’ve probably seen an unlikely pair of people holding hands out in public and thought “if they’re together why am I alone?” Or maybe you’ve fallen for the absurd explanation, “You can’t love somebody until you love yourself.” Believe me, there are plenty, if not a majority, of relationships where the partners hate themselves. That’s the foundation for every toxic relationship: Self hate.

If you’re chronically single, more than likely

you have a higher purpose in life

you’ve not yet become aware of because of toxic blockages.

The illusion created by our patriarchal societal matrix that life is happiest when men marry women, have children, then die has becomes so ingrained in us that that’s the only path to happiness, creating toxic pressure from family to get married, or from friends to be in a couple, just for easier socializing.  A toxic patriarchy also tells a woman they need a man to define who they are and bring their life meaning, and we know that’s not true. We also know men don’t only love women and vice versa.

Getting married and having children

can bring meaning and purpose to your life

and still not be your life’s purpose.

Being in an intimate relationship becomes the only external proof for the world to see that you’re lovable, because someone else ‘loves’ you, which causes many to cling onto toxic situations for an attachment to define their lovability.  But inside, do you feel lovable? Likely not. We’ve seen a million times with internet connections where the two haven’t even met, let alone seen each other and define them as a boyfriend or girlfriend.  This isn’t a relationship, but an attachment fueled by the desperation for external validation because they’re void of an internal system to validate themselves.

And of the many possibilities for your particular singlehood, more than one may be at play. There’s fear. You’re standards are too high. You’re set in your ways. You attract the wrong kind of person. Not attracted to anyone. Don’t really want a relationship. But the common thread to all that’s been mentioned -if you’re ready to accept it- is they are trauma responses to unresolved childhood and/or ancestral traumas.

There’s nothing wrong with you,

but something wrong might’ve happened to you.

• Any kind of neglect or abuse can create perfectionism in an attempt to gain a feeling of control you never had as a child. While you may want the things you do to be perfect, there’s also a subconscious contract that people, including yourself, need to be perfect in order to be lovable, yet no human is perfect. You’ll never find a partner.

• You may have never been able to express your feelings as a child, or ask for what you need, and that learned emotional unavailability spills over into your relationships.  It may be enough for superficial connections, but seriously detrimental to intimate ones.

• If you’re consistently drawn to an emotionally or physically abusive person it’s because either that feels familiar from childhood, or you don’t feel worthy enough for anyone better. Not feeling worthy is behind many of the reasons people find themselves single.

• It’s also possible you may not be ready for, or understand how, relationships actually work.  Experiencing childhood emotional abuse causes arrested development of our emotional system. You’ve heard people described as ‘emotionally immature.’ That’s trauma.

• If you don’t enjoy being single, there’s likely a co-dependent mechanism at work from that unresolved trauma.  The serial monogamist is the classic example jumping from relationship to relationship to avoid being alone. A more provocative question to ask yourself to work towards a solution is, “If you don’t enjoy spending time alone with yourself, why would someone else?” Misery doesn’t leave your life simply because someone else is in the room. Being in a relationship doesn’t guarantee happiness, and being single doesn’t have to be unhappy. You need to be happy alone to be part of a healthy relationship.

But not to worry. You’re not broken, but simply disconnected, and only need  reconnection. To self love, that is. And none of this behavior is your fault, so treat yourself kindly.  Being single presents the opportunity to take such an action, as it’s much more difficult a process if you have a partner who doesn’t like the way you’re growing. Learning to love yourself again is all that’s required to create that internal validation, and shut down your desperate need for it externally. Unfortunately, it’s not a quick process, but certainly achievable.

I experienced an emotionally neglectful childhood, where the emotional abuse continued into my 50’s until I came to realize how toxic my family members were from our ancestral trauma of narcissism, and gained the strength to create boundaries that removed them from my life. How did I gain the strength and self confidence to restore the lost agency in my family dynamic? I learned a lot when training to be a spiritual coach, and purposefully followed helpful steps I discovered on my journey.  I compiled the whole process in an book titled Lifeprint Reiki's 11 Steps to Happiness: The Spirituality of Self Love.

It may not be your life purpose to be in a relationship at this moment. Monks and priests are alone and celibate, but they continually work to develop their independent divine relationship. As mentioned, being single might actually be your soul purpose in this lifetime to focus on you and your divine connection, clear some karma and negative thought patterns to discover who you really are, and your place in humanity outside the social matrix. That’s what The Self Love Journey is all about. No, you don’t have to be celibate and live in silence, but inner-focused work and connecting with likeminded people may be your destiny. When you can heal through a self love journey to appreciate the power you regain from that new depth of self-acceptance, you can fearlessly create the life of your dreams.

When you love yourself again, spending time alone gives you the opportunity to listen and get to know your body, your intuition, your spirit guides, ancestors, and the Universe, in ways previously unattainable. You gain gratitude for time alone as solitude, and increase self-awareness and self-acceptance.

So one way to begin loving yourself again is by putting selfless efforts towards helping those less fortunate. No, not donating money, but physically helping in any number of ways, as service can begin to not only heal your heart, but also create a balance you didn’t realize was missing. The need to serve our tribe is actually in our DNA, and if not fulfilled, can put us off-kilter. Becoming a regular volunteer at any number of possibilities from working with seniors to children, at schools, nursing home, food banks, or shelters, will enhance your self esteem.

Another of the easiest ways to reconnect to self love is with affirmations. Start with: “I AM ENOUGH,” and “I AM WORTHY.” Write them on post-it notes and put them in the bathroom, in your car, at your office, in the kitchen, and next to your bed to constantly remind yourself you matter. It’s important to not merely read them but speak them out loud to make the Universe here your declaration of independence. I’ve seen people’s lives begin to shift in just a week.

Some other affirmations to try:

• I AM/FEEL HAPPY

•  I AM/FEEL BEAUTIFUL

• I ATTRACT OPPORTUNITY

•  I AM/FEEL CONFIDENT

• I AM/FEEL THE LUCKIEST PERSON ALIVE

•  I AM/FEEL INVINCIBLE

If you don’t already journal, this is another useful tool towards healing. Especially if you’re one of those people who ruminate or have repetitive negative thoughts, writing them down can often move them through your psyche. Making this a daily practice of writing just 3-5 pages is also transformational.  Some useful journal prompts to start writing about:

• What being alone reminds you about being a child.

• Why I need someone in my life to prove to the world I’m lovable.

• The wonderful things I can do while single, I couldn’t as a couple or had a family.

• List the people making you feel pressured to be in a relationship and what you believe is behind it.

So if you haven’t run away before the end of this article, you absolutely possess the inner drive required to successfully reconnect to self love and deepen your personal Divine connection. Your self love journey can look absolutely nothing like mine, but it may be worth a look to see how it differs. My book Lifeprint Reiki's 11 Insights to Happiness; The Spiritual Practice of Self Love, can certainly enlighten you to aspects of self love you never even considered to address.

This book can help you become a stronger person with more self confidence, but remember, there are people currently in your life who don’t want you to change.  Seeking out a licensed psychotherapist, either in person or through an app, can be an invaluable resource to guide you through successfully handling those people as the new you emerges.  When you become confident and speak your mind or refuse to be treated poorly by family members and so called friends, they’re not going to like it, and a professional in your pocket will be most helpful in preparing you to handle these tenuous situations.

You can also stay connected by following me on instagram, @lifepriont_reiki, to gain new insights into your humanity.