Surviving the Holidays with Family

The Thanksgiving holiday in the USA is over, and while it may have been a delightful loving gathering for some, for others, it was an emotionally debilitating nightmare of a weekend trapped in decades of ancestral trauma. If you were fortunate, like myself, to spend the holiday alone, it’s a sign of inner strength to build upon.

In only a few weeks, Christmas arrives around the globe as another opportunity for nervous system overload. If it wasn’t bad enough spending time with toxic relatives, now you feel obligated to buy them all gifts.

To fully heal from trauma, toxic people in our lives need to be released, which is much easier said than done. Most people aren’t even aware of the toxic nature of their family, having grown up in an environment that feels “normal.” But anyone who manipulates us with guilt or shame, or makes us feel bad about ourselves, is an abuser. Yes, even dear grandma operates through her ancestral trauma.

The first step towards healing is to gain self-awareness of why we keep returning to scenes of disrespect and abuse. The next step may be even more difficult, which is to gain acceptance that people we felt we loved all our lives are actually abusive.

Here are three key unconscious components operating simultaneously:

Fear of abandonment - Who would you be if you didn’t have those toxic people around? The fear of abandonment is established in childhood when we had no capacity to take care of ourselves. Caretakers fed, clothed and provided a roof over our heads, but likely ignored our emotional needs. This Benign Neglect conditioned us to tolerate the negative situation in order to survive. You’re still in survival mode, but something needs to heal if the goal is to thrive.

Needing to always be liked - Some traumatized children grow up to be people pleasers. When everything is calm in the house there’s the false feeling of safety. This leads to a fear of conflict, trapped in the childhood paradigm that one has no agency to stand up for themselves. Grandma doesn’t really want to go out of her way to prepare the holiday meal, but she’s a people pleaser that needs to be loved. Think about what it would feel like if family members overtly disliked you more than their passive-aggressive barbs. Healing from trauma involves gaining the strength to be disliked and not giving a damn.

Attachment to expectation - It has become tradition to give gifts at the holiday time, and everyone in the family expects to get one.  What would happen if you didn’t give a toxic family member a gift this year? Think about those you really want to spend money  on versus those you don’t. While there’s various reasons why one would wait until days before the holiday to shop, one reason is definitely not wanting to get certain people gifts. Who are the people you wait until the last minute giving little thought to the gift, but merely fulfilling an expected obligation?

To help survive this holiday season, simply allow yourself to be aware that your relatives’ behaviors are toxic and do your best not react. The most impactful response is always silence. If you need to say something, here are a few responses to try to get them to think about what they’re saying or doing:

“Can you say that again?”

“What are you trying to achieve saying (or doing) that?”

“Why did you say (or do) something you knew would hurt my feelings?”

“Why do you believe I deserve to be treated so poorly?”

“People who truly love me treat me with kindness.”

We only accept abuse when we’re disconnected from self-love. If your goal is to gain empowerment to achieve your desired level of life satisfaction, I suggest you buy my book "Your Trauma Healing Journey" to big your journey to empowerment.

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